Dick Figures Christmas (2014)
This is the 2014 Christmas special, were you looking for this one? and The 2015 one? 'Summary' It's that wonderful time of the year again, but tragedy hits when Red accidentally shoots down Santa Clause, so now a group of the guys have to go and save Christmas, while Professor Stick and the others try to wake Santa Clause up. 'Characters' 'Major Characters' *Red *Blue *Pink *Bruce *Professor Stick *Rapper *Molly *Fifi *Thomas *Alice *Twilight *Lord Tourettes *Wednesday *Sabrina *Broseph *Santa Clause 'Minor Characters' *Blink *Navy *Ellen *Jones *Stacy *Bitchess *Jess *Ryle *Spark *Damon *Shawn *Neko *Wolf *Violet *Homicidal Darkling (mentioned) 'Transcript' (Starts off at Blue's house.) Red: WHOOO! (drinks beer) HAPPY NEW YEAR! Blue: Red, it's christmas. Red: Ohh... (throws away the beer and drinks eggnog) HAPPY CHRISTMAS! Blue: It's MERRY Chr- Red: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! (Blue face palms) Blue: Idiot. (Thomas and Molly were snuggling each on the couch with Alice next to them) Alice: It's such a wonderful time of the year. Thomas: Cause it is the most wonderful time of the year. Molly: I don't get it, how is it different from any other times for the year? Professor Stick: (bows to Twilight) Merry Christmas my dear. (hands her a christmas present) Twilight: Oh Henry, I love it, even though I can read your mind and figure out the gift, I still love it. (Kisses Professor Stick) (A tune of door knocks are heard on the door followed another knock with such force that it break it down to the ground with a backfist revealing Ryle with his other hand in his pocket while looking at his calmest) Ryle: Here's the black Santa Claus over here! Not that I'm gonna pay for the door or anything but it's the wonderful time of the year again. Blue: GOD DAMN IT RYLE! Twilight: (Deadpanned) Oh look, it's the mental case known as Ryle. Ryle: (sarcasm) Ow, that shit hurts. Twilight: (To Ryle) Difference with you and me, is that you really are Mentally Unstable. Ryle: How was I EVER mentally unstable Ms. Witchcraft Twilight: Example A, you broke down the door for no reason, and you cause pain towards yourself for no reason, shall I explain some more? (Professor Stick lightly laughs at what Twilight said) Professor Stick: Oh Twilight, your so good at correcting people. Ryle: That my friend is where you lie, I always have reasons to commit such acts. (Bitchess and Jones slam the door down.) Bitchess: Yo! We're in the house! Blue: Oh for fuck sake. Jones: Whoa! Did someone cause some damage in here? Blue: Yeah! (points to Ryle) THIS FUCKING DOUCHEBAG! Ryle: What? I said I was gonna pay, but no I'm not. Bitchess: Aww, did the little walking shit get into trouble? Boo-hoo. Jones: Well, that's because he's got the mental nut case of a fourteen year old on her period. Ryle: (frowns) I'm getting a beyond flat vibe from you two right now, and that mental nut case never existed in the very start. (facepalms) I hate it when I'm kept reminded of my actions. Alice: (To Molly) You do know why it's called the happiest time of the year right? Molly: I thought it was a code word for having an awesome blow job. Thomas: No Molly, that's what people say when they get a blowjob in Disneyland. (Molly nods along as Alice Faceplams) Alice: Why on earth would it mean that Mol? Molly: I don't know, Simon said he had something like that, though the words were slurred after he drank a half of bottle of vodka. Thomas: Mol, have you ever celebrated Christmas? Molly: Wait, this is a Christmas party? (Alice and Thomas Faceplam) (Wednesday, Broseph, Sabrina and Lord Tourettes come in. Lord Tourettes does not have his hat on.) Broseph: Yo yo yo! Wassup bros and bras? Lord Tourettes: Meeerrrry CHRISTMAS! Wednesday: Heh heh. (lightly waves) Hello. Blue: Hey! So glad you guys could make it! Red: Wassup stupid Broseph and his family? (Sabrina walks in with her two rabbit toys.) Ryle: (to Jones) You know. (drinks a glass of eggnog) This so-called mental nut case can be a really old when people bring it up by the second for people to their laughs to relieve their total boredom. I would strangle you right now for bringing it up that fact till you die by my hands. Jones: (To Ryle) Is that suppose to offend me just because you don't get regular pussy like I do? (Laughs) Ryle: (deadpanned) No, just no. I'm am NOT gonna go through this again. Why would I EVER intend to get pussy? Sex is not a hobby of mine, it's more of an insult. (Ellen arrives.) Blink: (gasps) There you are Ellen! (Blink hugs her and swings her around.) Ellen: Hee hee! Hi Blink! Alice: (To Molly) So you haven't even heard of Christmas? Molly: I'm sorry if I didn't have family like you guys, most of the family I had either involved Sex slaves, Juvenile Children, or Mental cases like L.T and Ryle. Ryle: (off screen) FUCK OFF! Thomas: Come on, that's crazy, (To Molly) I promise I'll make your first Christmas a memorable one. (Molly blushes and kisses Thomas on the lips) Blue: Okay kids, why don't you go upstairs to my room? There's some games in there. It'll keep you away from the noisy inapropriate people. (Later shows Navy, Blink, Ellen and Sabrina in Blue's room.) Navy: Well, this is boring. Blink: Why don't we have some tickle fights? Navy: No. Not me, go tickle your girlfriend. Blink: Hey Ellen! I got you a present! (He hands her a box full of jelly beans.) Ellen: (gasps) My favorite! Thank you so much! Blink: Do I get a thanks? (blushes) Ellen: Oh. I forgot. (kisses his cheek) Sabrina: (with a small smile and her eyes wide open) (deadpan voice) That's nice. (Soon, Spark and Jess arrive.) Jess: Hello everyone! (Stacy comes up to Jess and drunkenly shakes her hand.) Stacy: Sup, biatch! Jess: (sighs) Hey Stacy. Spark: (looks behind the door) And I kinda noticed that the door is slammed down again, did Ryle overdo it with the door knocking? Twilight: (To Spark) Pretty obvious isn't it. Spark: That explains it. (Back downstairs, Alice, Molly, and Thomas are each holding a mug of eggnog) Alice: So Mol, usually we drink Milk with Vodka, better known as eggnog. Molly: Loving it so far. Thomas: Then cheers to that! (They clink their mugs and drink them) (Rapper arrives with Bruce and Fifi.) Rapper: Hey dicks! We made it! Bruce: (bored) Yeah... Blue: (sighs) Did you have to bring Fifi? Bruce: Of course I can! She's my taco! Fifi: (Runs around screaming) Merry Easter! where's the fireworks? Bruce: Hey Fifi, I got you a present. Fifi: But I want a future. (Bruce grabs the cookies in the kitchen and hands them to Fifi.) Fifi: hey these cookies have eye balls. (poking the chocolate chips in the cookie) why aren't they blinking? Bruce: Hey Fifi, mistletoe, I think we should have our first kiss. (puckers in to kiss her) Fifi: Ooh a climbing tree! (run to try and climb the christmas tree) Bruce: (sighs) She never even gave me a smooch on the cheek. Jones: Great, no one cares. (Goes into the bathroom with Bitchess implying that they're having sex) Bruce: (to Jones) WELL FUCK YOU TOO! Rapper: Calm down Bruce. Bruce: Yeah?! You know how often I celebrate Christmas?! NEVER! Molly: (Offscreen) Hey! It's my first time too! Bruce: NO ONE CARES! Rapper: Bruuuce! Bruce: Shut up! I never celebrate! I HATE CHRISTMAS! Fifi: (gasps) You're a scrooge in disguise! (tries taking Bruce's face off thinking it was a mask) Bruce: (pushes her away) SHUT UP FIFI! Your stupidness is making my first christmas WORSE! Fifi: I know what you need grumpy diaper man. The spirit of Santa Clown! (puts a Santa suit on Bruce) do you feel the Christmas cookie yet? Bruce: (takes it off in anger) FIFI! Your not helping! Fifi: Okay. (puts an Elf costume on him) How about now? Bruce: NO! Fifi: (now puts a reindeer costume on him) Rudolph! did you give me presents? Bruce: (throws his clothes and stomps on it) STOP IT FIFI! This isn't helping! Ryle: (at the front of the closed bathroom door) Hope you made sure you got some condoms with you. (Jones, from the inside, uses his telekinesis to throw Ryle into the kitchen where he falls into a many plates and pots) Ryle: (points his finger up while inside the pile) It's just a REMINDER asshole! (Pink watches all the plates get smashed, and gets very pissed off.) Pink: Alright! We get it! Almost everyone here hates each other! But can we not break anything expensive?! Twilight: Maybe we should do something together to make us all feel better. Red: No way Pink bitch! Then this party is ruined! (pours beer on her hair and runs off-screen) Pink: Oh you mother--! (chases him) GET BACK HERE! (Red laughs off-screen) (Soon, everybody else arrives at the party.) (Neko came by the window as it has been caves in a circle with the other part out) Neko: I just came for some milk, beer and eggnog, so where are they? (licks her lips) Holly: We're here! Steve: Did we miss anything? Red: Yeah! A shit ton of crazy stuff! (runs off-screen as Pink chases him) Damon: (to Violet) I can't believe you forced me to come here. Violet: Hey, it's Christmas. Have some holiday cheer for once. (Alice, Thomas, and Molly are a little drunk and they are still sitting on the couch) Alice: (To Molly) Also, we sing songs, give presents, and play in the snow. Molly: (Giggles) It's California, it never snows. Thomas: I hear for Latin Americans have fireworks and play pranks on Christmas. (Shows Red and Stacy on the roof kissing.) Red: Yeah, give me that tongue of yours, Stacy baby. Stacy: Later, I'll be givin' you more than just my tongue, Reddy. Red: Yeah babe. (spots something in the sky) WHAT IS THAT?! Stacy: What's what? Red: IT'S A MONSTER! KILL IT! (Red fires his shotgun at it, as it begins to fall.) Broseph: (to Wednesday) You know babe, It's just us in the bathroom privately. Maybe we could... Wednesday: (blushes) I-I dunno. I mean, we're at someone else's house and all... (The object in the sky falls on Blue's backyard.) Blue: What was that?! Lord Tourettes: (gasps) Maybe it's SANTA! Rapper: Seriously, Santa isn't real. Lord Tourettes: Wh- What? Steve: (hits Rapper) Seriously?! (Everybody runs outside to see what hit the ground.) Blue: OH MY GOD! IS THAT SANTA'S SLEIGH?! Blink: (gasps) Santa's real! SANTA'S REAL! Navy: No way! It's a miracle! Violet: Oh my god... Blue: But... why did he crash here? (Red nervously laughs) Blue: (gets angry) REEEEEEEEEED!!! Red: I didn't know what it was! (Molly, Alice, and Thomas look outside) Molly: (Smirks) Okay guys, I know this a hoax. Thomas: We didn't plan this. Alice: Yeah we didn't, do you think it really is Santa? Bruce: No way! It's just a myth! Santa isn't real! Blink: Wh- What? (Pink slaps Bruce) Molly: See, the guy with the public hair head knows this is fake. Wednesday: How come there's a sled there then? (Red lifts up the sleigh and sees Santa.) Red: Nope, he's real! (Professor Stick checks on him.) Professor Stick: He's knocked out, but he's alive. Sabrina: I wonder what happened. (to her stuffed bunnies) Maybe his reindeer got tired. Twilight: We better get him inside. (Helps Professor Stick pick Santa clause inside) (They bring him inside.) Professor Stick: It looks like it's going to be a long time until he wakes up. Bruce: Well that's just great! Christmas is RUINED! (Blink, Navy and Ellen start crying.) Navy: NO PRESENTS! Blink: NO CHRISTMAS! Violet: (to Red) You do realize that it's all your fault right? Red: I know! Molly: So this really is Santa Clause? Alice: Duh! Who do you think we brought in? Molly: Some random fat guy you hired. Thomas: (Puts her arm around Molly) It's going to be okay, we'll think of something. Blue: I think there's only one thing to do... Twilight: What's that? Blue: I think we're going to have to deliver the presents ourselves. Shawn: That's not actually a bad idea, that could work. Alice: Really? Thomas: I don't know if that can be done. Molly: Maybe it can be done, I mean, we do have the fat man's... I meant, Santa Clause's sleigh. Blink: (gasps) We're gonna be Christmas deliverers! YAY! Twilight: But we can't bring everyone, some of us have to stay and take care of Santa. Blue: Alright, I'll go. Red: Well, since I caused this, I'll go. Violet: I'll be going. (Jones and Bitchess come out of the bathroom all wet) Jones: What did we miss after having some good loving? Blink: (sees Jones and Bitchess) EWWW! Spark: I'll be totally going! Jess: I'll go too! Steve: Me too. Holly: Me three! Alice: I better come, just in case. Thomas: Me too. Molly: Wait, if this Christmas thing is real, then I'm coming along with you two. Alice: You sure Mol? Molly: Yes, I mean, this is my first Christmas. (Smiles) Neko: I can't miss this, so count me IN! Pink: I'm coming too. Twilight: Alright, me and Henry will stay here with the others to take care of Santa. Jones: Well, me and Bitchess will stay here in case something happens. Bruce: Well, since this is my first Christmas, I'll come too. Blue: Okay. Let's go! (Shows them all in the sleigh.) Red: So how do you work this stupid thing?! Spark: Just use the ropes! DUH! Jess: Don't you make the Reindeers go? Alice: Don't we need reindeer? Molly: You mean horses? Thomas: No, they're reindeer, horses that can fly. Molly: Fly? Really? That's ridiculous. Red: Hey! Reindeer! GO! (The Reindeer start flying, carrying the Seligh behind them.) Blue: So, where do we go? Violet: Just follow the list, from naughty to nice. Red: Oh god, Alice: Santa usually has a list of nice and naughty kids. Molly: (Smirks) Nice and Naughty? Are you serious? Thomas: How else do you explain the kids in the orphanages you lived in getting coal? Molly: I thought they were mentally retarded. (They land near their first house.) Blue: Alright Red, you go in the chimney. Red: Why me?! Blue: Because kids would mistake you for Santa, since your red. Red: (groans) FINE! (goes down the chimney) Thomas: Now we need the giant bag of toys. Alice: (Looks behind her) Found them. (See's a giant bag filled with toys) Molly: There's no way that many toys go in there! (Red jumps down and puts the toys near the tree, then tries to get back up.) Red: AAAAUGH! I'M STUCK! Blue: Oh shit... Red reach my hand! Red: I CAN'T!! Holly: What do we do?! Molly: (Pulls our rope) I found Santa's belt, shit, I meant some rope. (Red gets out.) Red: (pants) This sucks! Let's just quit! Alice: We still have a million houses and more to go. (Red groans loudly.) Blue: Come on man, we'll be done. Red: Fine! (Cuts back to the party.) Twilight: How long do you think he'll be out? Professor Stick: I don't know, we could try waking him up. Twilight: We're gonna need someone or something loud. Blink: Hey! Santa! Wake up! Sabrina: (tugs on Wednesday's skirt) Mom, when's the next Halloween? Wednesday: (sighs) Not until another ten months. I've told you this millions of times. Sabrina: Can I at least get my costume for Santa to see? Wednesday: There are two things wrong with that question. One, Santa has nothing to do with Halloween other than that one movie. Secondly, that "costume" was only Homicidal Darkling possessing you. Sabrina: I still wanna wear it. Wednesday: Why?! Sabrina: (smiles) 'Cause I love it. I wanna impress Santa. Wednesday: (whispers to Broseph) More like creep Santa out. Broseph: (whispers to Wednesday) Yeah, this is creepy for Sabrina to say. Twilight: Are you suggesting we scare Santa for him to wake up? Blink: No! That's a bad idea! Rapper: Then what the heck do we do? Twilight: I said that since Wednesday's creepy daughter wants to put on her Halloween costume. Bitchess: And boy is that crazy. Jones: Well, I don't have any ideas. (Ellen tries pouring water on Santa's head.) Santa: (begins to wake up) Oh dear snowflakes... Twilight: (Sighs of relief) He's awake! Santa: Oh dear... wh- where am I? (gasps) The sleigh! The presents! Rapper: Relax fat man, our friends are already doing that. Twilight: We promise everything will be taken care of. Santa: Oh my... (face palms) I just hope it will succeed. (Cuts to the guys delivering the last presents to the last house.) Red: (pants) We did it! EVERY SINGLE PRESENT! Has been delivered! Pink: (sighs with relief) I hope everything's alright at home. Molly: (Smiles) Well that was fun! Alice: Seriously? That took a lot out of us. Thomas: Yeah, let's just get home before something else happens. Bruce: I have to admit... that was pretty awesome! Jess: So you like Christmas now? Bruce: Yes! I DO! Alice: Well, we better get home. (Soon they arrive at home.) Santa: Oh! My sleigh! And not a single present to be seen! Twilight: (Sighs of relief) You made it back! Blue: We did, and we delivered everything. Santa: I have to say, you young kids have done very well. Molly: Thank you. (Smiles) Santa: Thank you all for saving Christmas! If you look under the tree, there's a surprise! (Santa flies off into the sky) Santa: HO HO HO! MEEEEERY CHRISTMAS! Twilight: A surprise? (They all see Presents under the tree.) Red: PRESENTS! (opens one up) Wow! BEER! (drinks one) Jones: (opens one up) Sweet! Iron Pierced fists! Blink: (opens one up) SUPER SMASH BROS. WII U! Ryle: (opens one up) Nice, A golden saxophone. Spark: (opens one up) A MANGA COLLECTION! (Sabrina opens one up, and is a new Halloween costume.) Sabrina: (pupils sparkling) Wooooow... Red: WHOOOO! BEST CHRISTMAS EVER! (Red starts kissing Stacy on the floor.) (Blink walks up to Ellen near the fireplace.) Blink: This christmas was awesome! Wasn't it, Ellen? Ellen: Yeah! (Navy holds a mistletoe above them.) Blink: Hey, is that a mistletoe? (Ellen giggles, swings Blink across, and kisses him on the lips.) Molly: Now I love Christmas. Thomas: I'm glad you love Christmas, now it really is the most wonderful time of the year. (Molly and Thomas passionately kiss) Bruce: This Christmas was awesome. Rapper: See? I told you you'd love it. (Bruce nods, as Fifi suddenly jumps in and tightly hugs Bruce.) Fifi: I have a present for you! Bruce: Let me guess, is it cooki- (Fifi kisses Bruce on the lips) (Bruce stands still, as his face turns red.) Rapper: Whoa, your first kiss! Bruce: Y- Y- Yeah... Rapper: Has she ever kissed you? Bruce: N- N- No... Rapper: Not even on the cheek? Bruce: Nope... Rapper: Well congrats man. Fifi: that was the same one I gave Wolf. Tee hee Bruce: And that was an awesome kiss. Wolf: (crashes through a wall) I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MENTION THAT! Fifi: I thought you said tell the time I was riding on your... Wolf: (shoots her) THAT NEVER HAPPENED!!! I WAS DRUGGED! (Rapper facepalms) Bruce: Thanks for ruining our moment, asshole! Wolf: Go fuck a loaded shotgun! Bruce: WHAT?! (gets angry) YOU TAKE THAT BACK! (Before Bruce attempts to hit Wolf, Fifi jumps back to life.) Fifi: Merry Christmas cookie! Wolf: GOD DAMN IT! Bruce: (laughs) That's what you get. (Soon shows everybody standing outside.) Everybody: Merry Christmas! And to all a good night! Red: AND a good slappin'! (Red slaps Pink's ass and quickly runs away, pissing Pink off.) Pink: THAT'S RIGHT! YOU BETTER FUCKING RUN, RED! (Pans up to the sky while Ryle plays "Christmas Tree" with his new personal saxophone, as the Episode Ends) 'Trivia' *This is the first episode Fifi actually kisses Bruce. **This is also one of the rare episodes where Wolf has a bad ending, while Bruce and Fifi both get happy endings. *Sabrina used to be possessed by Homicidal Darkling on Halloween. 'Gallery' Bruse and Fifi.png|Fifi kissing Bruce 'Poll' What do you think about Dick Figures Christmas (2014)? Terrible, I hated it. (1/5) It was okay, I guess. (2/5) Good, but not great. (3/5) Now this is cool. (4/5) THIS IS AN AWESOME EPISODE! (5/5) Category:Episodes Category:Holiday Episodes Category:Long Episode